Caring, II

Last week I wrote about caring, condemning Ted Cruz for vacationing in Cancun while the people who elected him were burning their furniture to stay warm after a major winter storm. Cruz initially claimed that he had flown to Mexico “to be a good dad.” While in his case that wasn’t true, it led a friend and I to discuss our own conflicts between the demands of leadership and our families.   

My friend joked, “My bottom line was 102.” A fever over 102⁰ was reason to stay home with a sick child. Anything below that they could manage on their own. I responded with my edict, “Don’t call unless there’s blood, preferably your own.”  We both knew that our morbid attempts at humor were intended to mask our abiding discomfort with the choices we had been forced to make. To this day, we live with the guilt of not spending enough time with our children.

On the one hand, my income was essential to my children’s well-being. But I also loved my work and made choices to advance my career that took me away from them when they wanted me. While I was trying to model possibilities for working women that I didn’t have growing up, they were seeing a harried mom whose idea of a family dinner was to offer them any international cuisine they wanted – as long as it came from the frozen food aisle.  I know my daughters are proud of me and they know I have always loved them deeply. I also know they suffered.

If Ted Cruz were the caring individual he claimed to be, he might have been genuinely torn between spending time with his daughters on a family vacation and staying in Texas to support his constituents. From his daughters’ perspective, not going on the vacation might have seemed like just another family occasion he missed because of his job. It is hard for children to understand coming in second when it comes to caring.

I live with my regrets, but that is because I care.