Asking for Help

At a recent meeting of Villages of the Berkshires, an organization dedicated to helping adults age in  their homes by providing volunteer services such as check-in phone calls, driving, tech support, and light household chores, one of the founders said that COVID-19 had raised awareness of the advantages of living in one’s home instead of in any kind of facility. However, he continued, many of us are unaccustomed to asking for help. Staying in one’s home is a decision to remain independent, but what makes us independent works against our ability to rely on others.

I have asked for help so few times in my life that each occasion stands out.  

One such occasion is personal. As a single parent, arrangements for work travel when my children were still in school were onerous. Their father lived on the west coast. My parents were not too far away, but they had work and social lives of their own. When I happened to mention that I needed to be away for a week to the mother of one of my younger daughter’s friends, she immediately offered to help. My first response was no, thank you, I couldn’t possibly impose. But she persisted. They lived within walking distance of the school, the girls were in the same after-school activities, and her daughter, an only child, would love the company. I finally said yes. Not only were both girls thrilled, but it took a huge burden off my shoulders.

The unwillingness to ask for help extended to my professional life. Once, after hiring a new dean, I took my executive staff to an outdoor ropes course for a day of team building. The culmination of the day was climbing up to a platform, walking across a rope and zip lining down. About hallway across I fell and ended up straddling the rope. I was determined to get to the zip line, but nothing I tried to get back up onto the rope worked. Finally, one of my colleagues shouted from below, “use the belay rope.” For safety reasons, we were belayed, or attached, to other team members. The rope was literally right in front of my nose, but I had not thought of using it. Once I did, they were able to pull me back up into position. I got across easily and zip lined down joyfully.

Years later, when I was fairly new to my second presidency, I was meeting with my executive team about actions we had to take in a crisis. It was late on Friday when we reached consensus and one of the VP’s offered to draft a letter to the college community. I had obviously assigned tasks to staff many times, but rarely had someone offered to take on something I fully expected to do myself. Perhaps it was a mark of my maturity as a leader that I accepted his offer. He will probably never know how grateful I was.

I wish I could say it has gotten easier for me to ask for help, but it has not. I hope it’s not too late to learn.